Infertility & the Trouble with Me

Even as I’m writing this, I’m trying to decide if it’s a good idea. But something lately has been pulling on my heart strings.

Maybe it’s because, when we decide to have another child, it won’t be easy.  Maybe it’s because, I feel like there are so many other people going through the same thing.  Maybe it’s because, this week, I found out my insurance would no longer cover infertility.  Maybe it’s because, I know the pain of wanting to be a mom so bad it hurts and feeling like you’re at the end of your rope.

So here goes….

For our first seven years of marriage, we waited to start a family.  Largely, because I wanted to pursue my career. Then, when we decided we were ready, it didn’t happen. After a while, I realized something was wrong.

I went to the doctor, and the first medication they put me on made me extremely sick.  Like losing 5 pounds a week, constantly nauseous and sleeping all day sick. For whatever reason, this medication triggered something in me.  After a couple of doctors, and several tests, I finally was diagnosed with celiac disease. The next day, I went on a gluten free diet. I immediately felt like a different person. The best news of all was that it could be a big reason why I wasn’t able to get pregnant…

Well, it wasn’t the whole problem.  I got healthy, gained about 20 pounds, and started to see a fertility doctor. Turns out, I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). All of these things together had definitely made it difficult for me to get pregnant.  At least I knew, we were on the right track.

That did not make it quick or easy.  The highs and lows were unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. If you’ve been there, you understand. The shots, the medicine, the hormones – it makes you feel like a crazy person!  In addition to that, you are continually going in for good news and continually coming out with bad. It is the ultimate rollercoaster. One that you can’t get off fast enough – but you choose to ride it over and over again. What’s the definition of insanity?! If you’re trying to get pregnant, you know all too well. But with every new cycle, you are hoping that the outcome will be different.

During this time, I was doing every NBA game for the OKC Thunder.  My doctor was at home in Dallas, but my job was in Oklahoma City. It made it a little bit tricky. I’d drive back for a doctors appointment, then go back to work the next day.  Sometimes every other day. In the meantime, I had to take my fertility shots with me on every trip, and they had to be refrigerated! It makes me laugh thinking about it now….boarding the chartered plane with a little cooler.

“Lesley, what’s that?”

“Oh, I have a food allergy, just some snacks….”

“ok…(weird looks)…”

(The plane is full of food!)

This is how it went. For two years, my husband and I continued on the merry-go-round. I wrote scriptures all over our walls. I started playing tennis as a way to take out my aggression! ha! I was prayerful.  I tried to be patient. The waiting really is the hardest part.

The next September, we had decided when the basketball season started, we were going to take a break. Low and behold, on our last attempt, I found out I was pregnant!  I can’t even begin to describe the joy.  It wasn’t on our timing, but it was on God’s timing. I know His timing is perfect, it’s just not always easy.

This is one of the many reasons why I literally embrace every second with my precious baby boy.  The joy he has brought to our lives is beyond anything we could have ever imagined. That extremely painful two years, made me appreciate even the days I feel like I could pull my hair out.  Every tear, every heartbreaking moment, every disappointment was totally worth it. He is the most wonderful gift.

I realize, I’m one of the lucky ones. I know there are so many people out there going through the same thing. I say people, because it’s incredibly hard on both parties. Some will have happy endings, some will not. I literally hurt for those who are going through this, or are experiencing this disappointment over and over again. I hope that either way, you will find peace.

I started this blog, because I wanted to connect with others. I’ve realized in order to be real, I have to be honest. Sometimes, painfully honest. I guess I just want people to know…. no matter what you’re going through, you’re not alone.

 

 

5 Replies to “Infertility & the Trouble with Me”

  1. Thank you for sharing. My husband and I adopted two children because of my infertility. I’m so glad we did since we now have two teenagers making us crazy! No matter how much I love our children, a part of me mourns not ever being pregnant and feeling a baby moving inside me. I shared this with a couple of close friends and was accused of not loving my children; I’ve stopped telling anyone until now. Thanks for a safe place to share.

    1. Oh I’m so sorry and I totally understand. Who doesn’t want to experience that? Of course you love your children – but I understand your mourning. I would too if I hadn’t gotten pregnant. Thank YOU for sharing.

  2. Thanks for sharing! My husband and I struggled with infertility for 2yrs trying to conceive our youngest son. After 2yrs of medications (oral and injectable), hormonal roller coasters, 20lbs gained, so many tears it’s a wonder I didn’t float away, so many prayers I thought were going unanswered, and ultimately a laparoscopic procedure we FINALLY had our son. Unless you have or are going thru it you have no idea the heartache and feelings of failure that come along with infertility. This is what we were created to do! Have babies! When that dream is delayed or for many, unfulfilled or changed it’s heartbreaking. So happy you have that sweet boy! To all those going thru this journey my prayers are with you! Glad to have you in OKC! ❤️

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